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THE SECRET TRANSCRIPTS 1
-One in a series of parodies-
THE SECRET TRANSCRIPTS 1: AFTER BUSH'S FIRST 9/11 WAR SPEECH
Introductory Note: As the Bush administration seizes the moment to seek greater powers to spy on citizens, consider this: What if, just theoretically, I were to have received the following note and transcript from an anonymous source:
_____________________
[Hello. It's better that you not know who I am. Let's just say I'm a collector. I enjoy obtaining what you might call clandestinely recorded materials, and I have the means and the friends to acquire them.
The following snippet, for instance, is from a recording made in an undisclosed (but easily deduced) location immediately following President George W. Bush's historic address to Congress on the eve of the Afghanistan War.
I must say that the clarity of the recording was extraordinary. A real find, I think you'll agree.]
* * *
(COMMOTION, RECEDING SOUND OF A CROWD, FRENZIED HUBBUB)
MALE VOICE: This way, Mr. President!
PRESIDENT: Huh? Wha..?
MALE VOICE: Mr. President! This way!! The limo's waiting!
PRESIDENT: I gotta go.
MALE VOICE: Excuse me, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT: I gotta go. You know, I gotta... ruminate. Er, I gotta urminate. Now.
MALE VOICE: (Mutters) Shit. (Louder) All right, people! Secured rest room! NOW!
(SUDDEN COMMOTION, DOOR BANGING OPEN, THEN QUIET)
MALE VOICE: No, not the urinal, Mr. President. The stall is safer, remember?
PRESIDENT: Oh. Yeah.
(STALL DOOR BANGING)
(MOMENTARY SILENCE, THEN STEADY TRICKLING SOUND)
MALE VOICE: An excellent job tonight, Mr. President. Really first-rate. We're all pleased.
PRESIDENT: Aw, thanks. You think they bought it?
MALE VOICE: Hook, line and sinker. Even NPR was swooning about the boy President standing tall. You should have heard Robert Siegel carrying on about the standing ovations and the bipartisanship. His voice was practically trembling.
PRESIDENT: No!
MALE VOICE: Yes. But it gets better. Peter Jennings, with General Stormin' Norman as his sidekick...
PRESIDENT: God, I love that. I mean, Jennings and Rather and those guys don't even pretend to be journalists any more...
MALE VOICE: Yeah. But listen. Jennings actually told the General, on the air, with a straight face, that your appearance tonight was comparable to FDR's appearance before Congress after Pearl Harbor! He compared YOU to FDR!
PRESIDENT: (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) Hey, look at me! I'm a statesman! (LAUGHS SOME MORE)
MALE VOICE: But seriously, Mr. President, you did very well tonight. The bit where you displayed the dead NYPD cop's badge was a stroke. An absolute stroke.
PRESIDENT: That was Laura's idea. You think Mr. Cheney liked it?
MALE VOICE: He loved it. He couldn't be here with you -- security, you know -- but I've heard he is very proud of you right now.
PRESIDENT: Geez. I wasn't sure I could pull it off. I mean, what a crock, you know, all that crap I had to say about terrorists hating us because they hate democracy and freedom.
MALE VOICE: Yes, I know.
PRESIDENT: As if it has nothing to do with the brutal policies we've supported all these years, for the sake of money and strategy, in Israel and the Middle East and Africa and Lapland America...
MALE VOICE: That's Latin America, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT: ...As if our support for thug regimes and stolen land and rigged markets has nothing to do with why millions of the world's most dirt-poor folks hate our living guts.
MALE VOICE: I know, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT: ...As if it's all about these people just going wacko for no reason and becoming suicide bombers. As if these folks aren't dying to have MORE freedom for themselves and their economies.
MALE VOICE: We've talked about this before, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT: Yeah, yeah, I know: it's an opportunity. While the nation's scared, we can slip in some new surveillance powers that'll come in handy later against the anti-corporate movement.
MALE VOICE: Yes. And...?
PRESIDENT: (DUTIFULLY) And, I can pay back my big campaign contributors with wartime defense contracts.
MALE VOICE: (SOLEMNLY) Yes. That's very important for you to remember, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT: Don't treat me like I'm dumb. I know what I'm supposed to do. I'm just saying... It seems like people would figure it out. You know? I mean, I make these big war speeches, and people clap and cheer as if revenge is going to make the Third World stop hating us for the stuff we continue to do. I just can't believe Americans believe this stuff, that's all.
MALE VOICE: Well, Mr. President, here's a question. What have been the biggest changes in American politics in the past 20 years?
PRESIDENT: Uh... money took over, the poor and the working poor stopped voting, and... uh... elections became middle-class entertainment.
MALE VOICE: Right. And what's happened to the American middle class?
PRESIDENT: Um... it's become more selfish and less politically aware about the rest of the world than ever before. And it's gotten used to corporate politics with no real dissent.
MALE VOICE: Correct. And so, when faced with an international threat, what will such a middle class choose? Will it choose to face up to the world's political and economic imbalance and try to solve it? Or will it simply get righteously enraged about its own right to safety?
PRESIDENT: That's easy. They'll just get mad about not feeling safe. They'll just fly flags and stuff.
MALE VOICE: Which means...
PRESIDENT: ...Which means corporations can continue with business as usual around the world.
MALE VOICE: Exactly, Mr. President.
(BRIEF SILENCE)
PRESIDENT: (ADMIRINGLY) You've had this figured out for a while now, haven't you?
MALE VOICE: (CHUCKLES) Let's just say we've been giving it a lot of thought.
PRESIDENT: I guess that's why I'm just the President -- and you get to be Secretary of State.
(THEY BOTH LAUGH LOUDLY)
(SOUND OF FLUSHING, STALL DOOR OPENING)
(RUSH OF VOICES AS OUTER DOOR OPENS:)
REPORTERS: Mr. President!! Mr. President!!...
______________________
There you have it. Of course, as I said, all of this is theoretical. Strictly a what-if exercise. Honestly. I swear it.
Turn Off the News,
Alvin.
Copyright 2002 Alvin.
Introductory Note: As the Bush administration seizes the moment to seek greater powers to spy on citizens, consider this: What if, just theoretically, I were to have received the following note and transcript from an anonymous source:
_____________________
[Hello. It's better that you not know who I am. Let's just say I'm a collector. I enjoy obtaining what you might call clandestinely recorded materials, and I have the means and the friends to acquire them.
The following snippet, for instance, is from a recording made in an undisclosed (but easily deduced) location immediately following President George W. Bush's historic address to Congress on the eve of the Afghanistan War.
I must say that the clarity of the recording was extraordinary. A real find, I think you'll agree.]
* * *
(COMMOTION, RECEDING SOUND OF A CROWD, FRENZIED HUBBUB)
MALE VOICE: This way, Mr. President!
PRESIDENT: Huh? Wha..?
MALE VOICE: Mr. President! This way!! The limo's waiting!
PRESIDENT: I gotta go.
MALE VOICE: Excuse me, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT: I gotta go. You know, I gotta... ruminate. Er, I gotta urminate. Now.
MALE VOICE: (Mutters) Shit. (Louder) All right, people! Secured rest room! NOW!
(SUDDEN COMMOTION, DOOR BANGING OPEN, THEN QUIET)
MALE VOICE: No, not the urinal, Mr. President. The stall is safer, remember?
PRESIDENT: Oh. Yeah.
(STALL DOOR BANGING)
(MOMENTARY SILENCE, THEN STEADY TRICKLING SOUND)
MALE VOICE: An excellent job tonight, Mr. President. Really first-rate. We're all pleased.
PRESIDENT: Aw, thanks. You think they bought it?
MALE VOICE: Hook, line and sinker. Even NPR was swooning about the boy President standing tall. You should have heard Robert Siegel carrying on about the standing ovations and the bipartisanship. His voice was practically trembling.
PRESIDENT: No!
MALE VOICE: Yes. But it gets better. Peter Jennings, with General Stormin' Norman as his sidekick...
PRESIDENT: God, I love that. I mean, Jennings and Rather and those guys don't even pretend to be journalists any more...
MALE VOICE: Yeah. But listen. Jennings actually told the General, on the air, with a straight face, that your appearance tonight was comparable to FDR's appearance before Congress after Pearl Harbor! He compared YOU to FDR!
PRESIDENT: (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) Hey, look at me! I'm a statesman! (LAUGHS SOME MORE)
MALE VOICE: But seriously, Mr. President, you did very well tonight. The bit where you displayed the dead NYPD cop's badge was a stroke. An absolute stroke.
PRESIDENT: That was Laura's idea. You think Mr. Cheney liked it?
MALE VOICE: He loved it. He couldn't be here with you -- security, you know -- but I've heard he is very proud of you right now.
PRESIDENT: Geez. I wasn't sure I could pull it off. I mean, what a crock, you know, all that crap I had to say about terrorists hating us because they hate democracy and freedom.
MALE VOICE: Yes, I know.
PRESIDENT: As if it has nothing to do with the brutal policies we've supported all these years, for the sake of money and strategy, in Israel and the Middle East and Africa and Lapland America...
MALE VOICE: That's Latin America, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT: ...As if our support for thug regimes and stolen land and rigged markets has nothing to do with why millions of the world's most dirt-poor folks hate our living guts.
MALE VOICE: I know, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT: ...As if it's all about these people just going wacko for no reason and becoming suicide bombers. As if these folks aren't dying to have MORE freedom for themselves and their economies.
MALE VOICE: We've talked about this before, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT: Yeah, yeah, I know: it's an opportunity. While the nation's scared, we can slip in some new surveillance powers that'll come in handy later against the anti-corporate movement.
MALE VOICE: Yes. And...?
PRESIDENT: (DUTIFULLY) And, I can pay back my big campaign contributors with wartime defense contracts.
MALE VOICE: (SOLEMNLY) Yes. That's very important for you to remember, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT: Don't treat me like I'm dumb. I know what I'm supposed to do. I'm just saying... It seems like people would figure it out. You know? I mean, I make these big war speeches, and people clap and cheer as if revenge is going to make the Third World stop hating us for the stuff we continue to do. I just can't believe Americans believe this stuff, that's all.
MALE VOICE: Well, Mr. President, here's a question. What have been the biggest changes in American politics in the past 20 years?
PRESIDENT: Uh... money took over, the poor and the working poor stopped voting, and... uh... elections became middle-class entertainment.
MALE VOICE: Right. And what's happened to the American middle class?
PRESIDENT: Um... it's become more selfish and less politically aware about the rest of the world than ever before. And it's gotten used to corporate politics with no real dissent.
MALE VOICE: Correct. And so, when faced with an international threat, what will such a middle class choose? Will it choose to face up to the world's political and economic imbalance and try to solve it? Or will it simply get righteously enraged about its own right to safety?
PRESIDENT: That's easy. They'll just get mad about not feeling safe. They'll just fly flags and stuff.
MALE VOICE: Which means...
PRESIDENT: ...Which means corporations can continue with business as usual around the world.
MALE VOICE: Exactly, Mr. President.
(BRIEF SILENCE)
PRESIDENT: (ADMIRINGLY) You've had this figured out for a while now, haven't you?
MALE VOICE: (CHUCKLES) Let's just say we've been giving it a lot of thought.
PRESIDENT: I guess that's why I'm just the President -- and you get to be Secretary of State.
(THEY BOTH LAUGH LOUDLY)
(SOUND OF FLUSHING, STALL DOOR OPENING)
(RUSH OF VOICES AS OUTER DOOR OPENS:)
REPORTERS: Mr. President!! Mr. President!!...
______________________
There you have it. Of course, as I said, all of this is theoretical. Strictly a what-if exercise. Honestly. I swear it.
Turn Off the News,
Alvin.
Copyright 2002 Alvin.
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