As I have mentioned before, I occasionally obtain exclusive information from an operative working undercover in the White House: a mouse based inside the Oval Office wall who prefers to be known as Deep Throat II. In exchange for a generous stipend (an undisclosed amount of granola with banana flakes and Roquefert cheese), Deep Throat keeps his eyes and ears open. The last inside scoop I got from Deep Throat was a page from Barney the White House dog's diary that was, shall we say, quite revealing. (see baltimore.indymedia.org/newswire/display/5006/index.php )

Now, once more, Deep Throat has come through. Lulu, a mouse in the White House kitchen, was told by her cousin Fritz, who has a bachelor pad in the floor of a West Wing conference room, about a secret meeting between Karl Rove, Bush and Dick Cheney.


Lulu, White House kitchen informant, tells all
Illustration by Cheryl Seal




In this meeting, the three men mapped out Bush's plans for 2004-2008 should he be reelected. Deep Throat II found Fritz's story so fantastic that he felt he must have proof. In a daring escapade, he and Fritz made a midnight raid on Karl Rove's "secret box." The secret box is a locked metal case kept hidden in the back of the closet in Karl's office, hidden beneath the Whole Foods health store bags that hold Karl's secret stash of Devil Dogs and cheese curls (its the only way he can smuggle them into his office past Bush, who believes Karl's inability to lose weight is due to a "pituitary problem.").

Thanks to his years as a juvenile delinquent growing up in the kitchen, Fritz is an expert at picking pantry locks. He soon had the secret box opened with a filed paper clip. Inside, they discovered an amazing assortment of materials, everything from the passwords and usernames of several prominent Democratic Senators and Representatives email accounts, to Rove's official membership card from the Dukes of Hazzard fan club, to a DC meeting list for.Control Freaks Anonymous to 'Hot Missionary Mammas" an X-rated magazine full of photos of fundamentalist D-cuppers in various stages of undress. There were other items as well of great political interest.

However, Deep Throat II is a slick operator and knows he can score more granola and cheese by passing the goods on to me one piece at a time. So, for now, I have managed to obtain a copy of a list of objectives described in the Bush-Cheney-Rove meeting.


OUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVES

Outlaw Gay Marriage

Abolish all taxes for people making over $100,000 a year

Institute a "poor tax" on all people making less than $20,000

Amend the Constitution to Make English the national language

Appoint a Special Prosecutor to Investigate Janet Jackson's Breast

Outlaw Gay Marriage

Make the Presidency a lifetime position

Award G. W. Bush the Congressional Medal of Honor for his heroism in landing on a Pacific air craft carrier in May 2003 without actually killing anyone

Move at least 75,000 American jobs a month to India and China

Build a NASCAR Track around the Washington DC Mall

Outlaw Gay Marriage

Send the National Guard to Alaska to Secure the ANWR Oil Fields

Declare French Fries a WMD

Declare France a terrorist nation for conspiring to sell French fries to Iran, Libya and North Korea

Privatize Everything in the Goverment:
Make the National Institutes of Health a division of Pfizer
Make the Department of Agriculture a subsidiary of Archer Daniels Midland
Make Medicaid and Medicare a Division of Carefist
Make the Dept. of Energy a joint holding of the Peabody Coal Co. and ExxonMobil
Make the Department of the Interior a joint holding of Six Flags Amusement Park
Co and a mining industry consortium
Make the US Military a division of Halliburton - whoops, that's right...it already is!

Appoint Ken Lay as head of Social Security (as soon as he gets out of prison)

Outlaw Gay Marriage

Make abortion a capital crime punishable by burning at the stake.


Revive the ancient money-saving custom of leaving the infirm and elderly to die on ice floes

Turn the Department of Human Services over to the Jehovah's Witnesses

Have the FDA Declare Tobacco an 'Essential Nutrient"

Outlaw Gay Marriage

Grant Dick Cheney Immunity from Prosecution for Life

Establish faith-based communities on Mars by 2020

LABOR ISSUES:

Outsource all government positions, including Congressperson, to India

Declare All Labor Unions Terrorist Organizations

Reduce the minimum wage to $2.00 per hour

Increase the minimum work week to 52 hours

Abolish overtime pays and vacation time

Replace welfare to work jobs with chain gangs

Reduce maternity leave to 8 hours, starting with the time the woman enters the delivery room

Replace pensions with the time-honored custom of presenting retiring workers with a cheap watch

Outlaw Gay Marriage