Talk about staging! First, Blair and Bush meet under heavy security in a remote castle in Ireland last weekend. There, in a makeshift "bunker" studio, in a scene that had to bear an astonishing similarity to key scenes in "Wag the Dog," Tweedledoom and Tweedledeal taped their "first message to the Iraqi people," on the occasion of Iraqi liberation. Nothing like pre-taping an event that hasn't happened yet. Of course liberation was "declared", right on schedule, on April 9 - just as Blair announced it would be. The only detail being, of course, that the war was still going on, with only a few square blocks here and there secured in Iraq and the situations in Northern and Southern Iraq deteriorating by the hour.

But in Bush World, details, like reality, are...well, just details. They can be brushed aside, ignored, or alternately scoffed at and pooh-poohed by Ari "the Egg with Eyebrows" Fleischer at press conferences (so named apparently because reporters are pressed to refrain from asking challenging questions).

The Bush-Blair prerecorded "Trust us! We Care!" liberation message ws used to kick off the debut of the new Iraqi State TV station. The title of the station is just as grandiose and hollow as all Bush regime titles: TOWARD FREEDOM TV. This new station is about as "free" as a private in the Marine corps: It is a military operation being run entirely by the Department of Defense. The content will be 100% created and controlled by the DOD, as the Egg Man acknowledged at his press briefing today. For an hour a day to start, they will broadcast for an hour from their flying TV studio (having destroyed so many ground-based TV stations themselves, the guys in the Pentagon are, understandably, a bit paranoid). The studio is located on the military plane Commando Solo. Yep, sounds like a real move "toward freedom" to me! Like locking yourself in a closet with 10 bottles of vodka is a real move "toward sobriety."

Here is my "scholarly analysis of the BushBlairBlurb:

BLAIR'S LINES: "Our forces are friends and liberators of the Iraqi people, not your conquerors" ...

I bet the thousands of newly widowed, orphaned, maimed, burned, homeless, starving, and raped (during riots and looting) wonder how the concept of "friendship" is defined, exactly, in America.

"...and they will not stay in Iraq any longer than is necessary."

Only long enough to siphon off your oil, install our people and establish bases from which to attack Iran and Syria

"We will work with you to build a peaceful, prosperous Iraq that you want and you deserve.

But, if you people don't happen to want what we want, then we figure you deserve whatever you get.

"And this Iraq will not be run by Britain, or by the United States, or by the United Nations. It will be run by you, the people of Iraq.

Well, at least people from Iraq we pick - like our old pal Ahmed Chalabi, currently wanted for stealing 10% of Jordan's gross national product

"That in turn will pave the way for a truly representative Iraqi government, which respects human rights and the rule of law and spends Iraq's wealth not on palaces and weapons of mass destruction, but on you and the services you need."

And we will not only decide what services you need, we will hire all our friends to to provide them for you, whether you want them or not!

"The money from Iraqi oil will be yours. "

After we've taken our cut, that is...I estimate our cut to be about 95.6% ."

"My experience of people the world over is that we all want to be able to live our lives in peace and in security. "

So that's why we decided to declare war on you, trash the place and allow rioting and looting .

"Now we want to give you the chance to rebuild your country, to rebuild your lives, to give your families a chance of that better future."

As long as it's according to our reconstruction plan, that is.

BUSH'S LINES:"At this moment the regime of Saddam Hussein is being removed from power and a long year of fear and cruelty is ended.

And, thanks to us, a whole new year of fear and cruelty has begun.

The future of your country will soon belong to you."

By soon, I mean as soon as your oil wells run dry and we don't want it anymore

"The goals of our coalition are clear and limited.

...limited only by our greed and our imagination...so the sky's the limit!

"We will end a brutal regime whose aggression and weapons of mass destruction make it a unique threat to the world."

Yep, folks, I am thinking of resigning!

"Coalition forces will help maintain law and order, so that Iraqis can live in security."

In fact, just look at what a fine job they've done in Basra!

"We will respect your great religious traditions, whose principles of equality and compassion are essential to Iraq's future."

Whoops - that was a typo - that "sp" in respect should be a "j".

"We will help you build a peaceful and representative government ..."

...peaceful because they will all be handpicked by me... representative of all the biggest porkbarrel contractors on Earth.

"...that protects the rights of all citizens."

At least the ones that go along with the program and don't ask too many questions

and then our military forces will leave.

But don't worry - they won't be going far! They'll be right next door in Iran!