TRANSLATING PENTAGONESE….Black Humor from the War Zone

Here is your own handy guide to the terminology being used by the Pentagon to help the average American “understand” the war in Iraq.

SHOCK AND AWE: Flattening a nation’s infrastructure with 100,000 bombs so your corporate buddies can make billions rebuilding and making more bombs. (note we are shocked that anyone can be this barbaric and awed that they can get away with it)

COALITION: The U.S., Britan, and Australia with a few Easter Islanders and Estonians thrown in.

ALLIED EFFORT: Having Britain do all the dirty work and pick up the tab for the humanitarian aid the US keeps promising to send to Iraq.

FOG OF WAR: 1. The excuse for anything that goes wrong, including shooting women and children at a checkpoint in a secured area; 2. The smokescreen created by war coverage that hides everything else Bush is doing

WINNING HEARTS AND MINDS: Shooting and bombing civilians, then offering them a plastic package of C-rations.

SPEEDING ACROSS THE DESERT: Being 50 miles away from Baghdad for 6 days in a row.

SADDAM TORTURE FACILITY: Any junk room where an old battery has been dumped.

EVIDENCE OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION: Anything we can get away with planting

COMBAT DEATH TOLL: The real number minus the ones we don’t plan to report

FLEXIBILITY: The right for Donald Rumsfeld to withdraw a billion or two from the defense budget any time the spirit moves him without having to notify anyone.

ACCOUNTABILITY: No equivalent translation available outside Pentagon

EMBEDDED REPORTERS: Handpicked corporate “journalists” traveling with units deployed as far from real action as possible who write what they’re told

UNPATRIOTIC: Having a problem with trashing other people’s hometowns and slaughtering the residents

SADDAM LOVER: Anyone who has a problem with G.W. Bush

SMART BOMBS: Any bomb that actually lands inside Iraq

PRECISION WARFARE: An army that does precisely what G.W. Bush wants it to do, no questions asked.

EVILDOER: Citizens of any country with oil beneath its soil, with an exception made for North Korea (but, as there is no oil beneath its soil, they aren’t considered evil enough to invade).

BALANCED MEDIA COVERAGE: A segment of Meet the Press where Donald Rumsfeld sits on one side of Tim Russert and Dick Cheney Sits on the other.

More “war zone humor”...

IN THE "HE CAN DISH IT OUT BUT HE CAN'T TAKE IT" DEPT....

My anti-war writing has apparently put me on the radar screen of some “prominent” rightwingers. I received an invitation to appear on Newsmax radio pundit Mike Fleming’s radio show in Nashville, Tennessee..Here’s his note and my response….

To Cheryl Seal:

I would like to interview you (live) on my afternoon radio program, The Mike > Fleming Radio Program in Memphis, TN. Our times are 4 to 7 p.m., central > time. My telephone number is 901-578-1160.

Mike Fleming

Dear Mike,

I checked out your website....I assume you plan to make me the feature guest in your slot entitled "Liberal Loonies." To be entirely fair, if I agree to become you "Liberal Loony " of the week, I feel you should return the favor with due reciprocity. So, how would you like to appear as the special guest in a slot we will create just for you: Right wing Bigot of the Week. Afterall, fair is fair!

Best, Cheryl Seal

...Funny, I never heard back from Mike.

BEAMING UP THE FAITHFUL

My article “Marching on Babylon” raises the scary possibility that the war in Iraq is actually a crusade driven by religious delusions – many of Bush’s fundamentalist appointees, including John Ashcroft, as well as Bush’s mentor Billy Graham believe that the end times are near and that Armageddon must be fought – ideally in “Babylon” (i.e., modern Iraq).Afterward, the chosen "faithful" will be sucked up into heaven in the "rapture."

Here is a reader’s response to that idea:

Cheryl,

I don;'t known much about the Apocrypha and all that. But here's an idea: Why don't we spread a rumor that the "Rapture" is going to happen on such and such a date and time and that to prove themselves, the faithful must climb to the top of a tall building dressed in white robes and, at the precise moment prescribed, throw themselves off!

Name withheld

Dear ---,

Great plan! Hey - here's another idea....why don't we float the rumor that the Rapture actually happened two weeks ago....leaving the "faithful" to wonder why they're still here!

Best, Cheryl