As the presidential race deteriorates into a mudslide, there is an early sense of desperation among conservatives. With so many disaffected factions (Seniors here, Evangelicals there, Fiscals scattered everywhere), the GOP doesn’t exactly have a consensus candidate. In the meantime, the battling Democrats have congealed much faster and with less rancor than anyone anticipated.

Behind his baseball cap and Blu-Blockers, John McCain looked like a lost tourist while, well, touring the flooded Midwest. All that was missing was the world’s largest ball of twine. Knowing that their candidate is at such a charismatic disadvantage, his supporters have no choice but to take the low road against Barack Obama.

It doesn’t get much lower than attacking a man’s wife, so naturally, that’s where the usual suspects have gone. Ever since her February comments (”For the first time in my adult life I am proud of my country because it feels like hope is finally making a comeback”) her life has become like a scene out of Alfred Hitchcock’s 'The Birds'.

As many have pointed out, Michelle Obama’s “adult life” began in the early 1980s. That said, her point is perfectly debatable, but even McCain’s snarky wife Cindy had to chime in - first in February, and again recently - that she’s ALWAYS been proud of her country. But the biggest offender, by far, has been Sean Hannity. His unhealthy obsession is noteworthy only in its fixative nature.

For his part, Barack has already addressed this once. Over a month ago, he warned the neo-pundits to “lay off my wife.” It seems a reasonable enough request; God knows Nancy Reagan’s a crackpot (albeit a loveable one), but nobody ever said that during Ronnie’s three presidential contests.

First Ladies only became fair game, actually, when Hillary assumed the position. In fact, criticism became so shrill and heated that Bill Clinton threatened columnist Bill Safire about it indirectly. His official statement, as declared by his spokeman: “If he were not the president, (he) would have delivered a more forceful response - on the bridge of Mr. Safire’s nose.”

Perhaps Obama needs to try that tack. Not on McCain… That would be elder-abuse. Hannity, though, certainly deserves to have his beak busted, and a skinny Gen-Xer from Chicago is just the man to do it. There would be some uproar at first, until the video made it to YouTube. Then the gap in the polls would become a yawing chasm.

Or, better yet for the sports books, let Michelle Obama and Cindy McCain (ten years her senior, by the way) wrestle it out in a vat filled with cooked pasta. At least present the public with a claymation MTV Celebrity Death Match. Come on. As long as we’re going to act like a bunch of gawkers in this election…