Larry King: “Good evening, my name is Count Dracula. I’ve come to suck your blood.”

Britney Spears: “Lawrence Harvey Zeiger what are you talking about?”

Larry King: “You see Britney my latest wife Shawn Southwick is a Mormon, LDS. I married her because I thought it was LSD. We were playing on the Ouija board with our young sons Chance and Cannon and I started to have a bad trip. The next thing I knew I was sacrificing virgins in the Church of Satan in San Francisco. Now I have this insatiable lust for blood. I’m a bloodaholic but the Betty Ford clinic refused to take me. They said that it would be too upsetting to the other patients. Did you know that in a past life I was Henry the Eighth the King of England? I had 6 wives then and I’ve had 6 wives this time around.

Britney Spears: “Listen Larry my ex Kevin gave me a semiautomatic Smith and Wesson and if you come near me I swear to God I’ll blow your brains out all over this set. Plus I have 9 armed bodyguards surrounding you all aiming at your head right now. So cool it with the udblay.”

Larry King: “Sorry Britney I didn’t mean to scare you, although I do crave the sweet nectar of your jugular. Please Britney I promise it won’t hurt. I promise you eternal youth and immortality.”

Britney Spears: “Listen Larry your mind seems quite toxic. I am not a demonic slave for you. I swear to God that if you make one move towards me I’ll drive a Holy stake through your heart.”

Larry King: “O.K. I get it Britney, you’re not interested. So welcome to Larry King Live. I hear you have a nice Jewish boy in your life now.”

Britney Spears: “Yes Larry he’s a Jewish model named Isaac Cohen. Madonna turned me on to the Kabbalah two years ago and now Isaac Cohen and I are going for Torah lessons with Rabbi Fishbloom at the Temple Moshe Synagogue in Las Vegas when I’m not working on my new album. Did you know that I’ve sold 69 million albums so far? Unfortunately my ex Kevin is taking me to the cleaners and now I have to work for a living to support my two two sons. But you know Larry fame and fortune aren’t all they’re cracked up to be as I’m sure you know you Satanic mishegenah. I now find true fulfillment in the Lord God. Judaism is my insurance policy. Jesus was a Jewish Rabbi and he’s coming back soon and I figure what if he’s Jewish again this time I’m covered. The Prophet Isaiah did say that the name of the Messiah would be Emanuel so I’m hedging my bets.”

Larry King: “I was born Jewish Britney but in 1997 I married Shawn in a Jewish Mormon ceremony. Johnny Miller and Corey Pavin officiated. So tell me about your Torah studies Britney.”

Britney Spears: “Well Rabbi Fishbloom was born Ultra Orthodox in Bnai Brack Israel. His father made a fortune in the Kosher Tefillin business. He made them for $10 then prayed over them for 5 minutes then exported them to New York where they sold for $800. It’s kind of like crystals. Then Rabbi Fishbloom switched to Conservative Judaism and his family disowned him. Now he has a Job complex. He says that God is testing him.”

Larry King: “I know what you mean Britney life is definitely a test. I think that the biggest hurdle that God has set for us is how to overcome divorce attorneys. My psychiatrist says that the motions for discovery and the acid drove me into witchcraft.”

Britney Spears: “So you know Larry a lot has been lost in religion in the translation. 3,200 years ago God of Mount Sinai carved the 10 commandments in stone himself and then gave them to Moses. The Christians believe in God of Mount Sinai and call him God the Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. The Muslims believe in God of Mount Sinai and call him Allah. The Jews believe in God of Mount Sinai and call him Elohim, Adonai and Hashem. When this God first appeared to Moses in the form of the burning bush, Moses asked him his name. I was raised Southern Baptist in Kentwood, Louisiana. My Bible said that God told Moses that His name was “I Am Who I Am.” (Exodus 3:14). Then God said to Moses “Say to the Israelites, ‘I Am has sent me to you. The Lord, the God of your ancestors, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob has sent me to you. This is my name forever and this is my title for all generations including the Pepsi generation.” (Exodus 3:13-15). This Old Testament is the Holy Scripture of Christianity, Islam and Judaism Larry.”

“This is where will.i.am got his name from. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Fergie starred in Kids Incorporated. I was in the Mickey Mouse Club with Christina Aguilera, my ex Justin Timberlake and JC Chasez. So yesterday Rabbi Fishbloom is teaching Isaac Cohen and I the story of the burning bush and I say “I know that story that’s when God said that his name for eternity was “I Am Who I Am.” So Rabbi Fishbloom says “No Britney Jean, here is the Tanach, the original Old Testament in Hebrew, the one used by Jesus Christ in the Holy Temple in Jerusalem and the proper translation is that God the burning bush told Moses that his name forever was “I Shall Be As I Shall Be.” So I pick up my cell and call Madonna who changed her name to Esther and tell her, “Guess what Esther I’m changing my name to Shelby.”

Larry King: “What did she say?”

Britney Spears: “She said, “Cool Britney, what time are we going for dinner. So I say, “I’ve got a Mikvah at 4, a manicure at Caesar’s Palace at 6, how does 8 at Guy Savoy sound?” So Madonna says, “Cool Shelby, Guy loves it there. Watch out for Larry King, Satan has him.” So I say “Thanks Esther I’ll take extra protection. I’ll wear my Cross and my Star of David necklaces and put black tourmaline crystals in my purse.” So Madonna says, “Shelby did you know that the Star of David worn by Jesus Christ the Son of David is 6 points, 6 triangles on an inner 6 sided object?”

Larry King: “I knew that.”