The Nation’s First Golfer President George W. Bush announced in his speech to the nation tonight that on top of sending another 20,000 troops to Iraq, he was also requesting another $10 million to send golf psychologists into the battlefield. Here is what President Bush said:

“My fellow Americans. Further to the extra $100 Billion for the extra troops I am also requesting from Congress another $10 million to send 10 golf psychologists to Iraq to prevent further rapes and massacres by American soldiers in the field.”

“Golf is like life only on a larger scale. Every golfer knows that we seem to tie our self esteem, our sense of self worth to our latest score. Every golfer knows that golf can often trigger intense feelings of rage and frustration. They don’t put the water and sand hazards out there so that you can enjoy yourself. Once I was playing with Harvey Penick and my dad at the Greenbrier Golf Club in Moody, Texas, near my home in Crawford, Texas. Dad flubbed his tee shot on the first tee and Mr. Penick refused to give him a mulligan. Dad got so upset that he threw his club. The club whizzed by my head and flew up into the trees but it didn’t come down. Dad ordered Charlie, one of the secret service agents to climb up into the tree and get it. When Charlie had it he called down to my dad, ‘George what club were you playing?’”

“Two years ago we sent a soldier Pfc. Steven D. Green to Iraq. Steven is in the gallery with his family. Steven would you stand please? (lengthy applause). Steven wasn’t feeling well. To his credit Steven sought help from an American army combat stress team in Iraq on December 21, 2005. Steven told the psychiatrists that he was angry about the war, desperate to avenge the deaths and maiming of his comrades, and he felt driven to kill Iraqi citizens. The team found that Steven was suffering from “homicidal ideations”. They gave him several small doses of Seroquel to regulate his mood, and told him to get some sleep, and sent him back into battle.”

“Three months later Pfc. Steven D. Green and a few of his pals, including Pfc. Bryan L. Howard, 23, of Huffman, Texas, were hitting golf balls at a checkpoint. Steven was having an extremely hard time drawing his two iron due to the sandy conditions. We aren’t talking 12 on the Stimpmeter Bermuda grass fairways here. Plus the wind was howling and the sand was blowing into his face. All of this pushed Pfc. Steven D. Green right over the edge. He convinced his pals then and there to have a few swigs of whiskey, put on ski masks, go to a nearby Iraqi home, shoot the father, mother and five year old daughter to death, rape the 14 year old daughter, kill her, set her body on fire with kerosene and burn the house down.”

“Pfc. Steven D. Green and his golfing buddies are scheduled to go on trial soon in Kentucky and the prosecutor may be seeking the death penalty. In the book of Exodus Moses was in the desert tending his sheep when he saw a burning bush. The burning bush told Moses that it was God and that Moses should go and tell the Pharaoh that he was taking all of the Jewish people and leaving slavery in Egypt. The Lord was pardoning the Jewish people from their imprisonment in Egypt. The Lord had an exit strategy which he told to Moses. Moses said to the Lord, ‘When I tell this to my people they are going to say that I am insane. What should I say that your name is?’ The Lord said to Moses, ‘Tell them that my name is “I Am Who I Am.” Moses said, “What kind of a name is that? I Am Who I Am. Who are you, a bush? I’m supposed to tell my people that a bush named “I Am” is going to lead us out of Egypt? Are you insane? They’re going to give me electro shock therapy like the Viet Cong gave John McCain. Forget it. Go find someone else.”

“I am now announcing that I Am giving full pardons to Pfc. Steven D. Green, Pfc. Bryan L. Howard and all of those involved. This morning I spoke with the leading sports psychologist in the world, Dr. Robert Rotella. He told me and I agree that had the army combat stress team given Pfc. Steven D. Green a few simple golf visualization and meditative techniques this unfortunate incident would never have happened. Dr. Rotella has assembled a team of 10 golf sports psychologists to send to Iraq so that outbursts like this do not happen in the future. Thank you and may God Bless you all and especially the men and women of the armed sevices of the United States of America.”